Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Why Me? and Why Not Me?

Today has been a day full of sadness and it has me asking God the hard questions tonight. 

We woke up to learn that a member of Dillon's extended family had died tragically and a mother we knew lost her full term baby. Later that evening we went to visit a friend whose baby is in the NICU and one of their NICU neighbors lost their son.

We gathered up Roman from the NICU waiting room and walked back to the car. I cried all the way down the hallway and then sat in the backseat crying over Roman's car seat. Later at home, sadness struck again and I really broke down. I looked down at my perfect boy and thought about everything that he is:
  • 7 lbs, 11.5 oz, 19.25 inches long at birth, delivered at about 40 weeks with no complications
  • 20 lbs, 27 inches long at nearly 7 months
  • His only sickness has been an ear infection
  • His gross motor skills are advanced
  • He breastfeeds like a champ
  • He is utterly joyful
Why God? Why am I so blessed with this boy and these circumstances while others suffer? I know you don't love me more than you love anyone else, so why do I get this life? Even before this hard day, I didn't feel like I deserved the life I live. I don't know how many times I looked upon Roman and said out loud, I don't deserve you. Now in the midst of others' sorrow, I am consumed by guilt. I'm angry at God for not stopping more suffering in this world.

I love Him, and I trust Him, but I do not understand why life on this Earth has to be so unexplainably cruel sometimes. God understands that we have emotions. He knows that we will have doubts and questions. He doesn't want us to hide this from Him and act like we understand when we are actually raw and hurting and need our Daddy, our Comforter.  I don't know how many of you have a really good Earthly daddy, but I do, and I know that when I need someone to hold me and tell me he loves me, my daddy was always my number one choice (until I met my husband). I imagine my God like that too. Even if you are mad and hurting and need to vent and cry, he will listen and wait until you are done and then he will impart some bit of wisdom wrapped in a comforting peaceful hug.

In the midst of God comforting me, this came to mind,

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

This doesn't mean that all things are good, it just means that the end result will be good for those who serve God. In the end, those who love Him will be in Heaven where absolutely no evil or sadness can dwell. I'm trying to remember this as I mourn, that through the struggles, the end is still going to be good.

No, I don't deserve this good ending. None of us do, and that's the beauty of it all. In the end we will all feast at the table of our Lord and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

I'm still sad. I'm still mourning. However, I'm not mad anymore and I feel less guilty for my beautiful life. I trust that God will work all things for His good in the end, and that is enough.

Please join me in praying for the families of William Allen (Dillon's relative), baby Jacob William Baker, and baby Maddox as they have gone to be with God today.

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