Tuesday, January 20, 2015

My Desire Is...?

Today, I went to therapy.

I go every week actually and in a few months, I've gone from shaking in anxiety and pent up feelings with every painful word to actually sitting still for a conversation.

This is major for me because I have always had to "act normal" in order to function with the rest of you. The abnormal is so hard for me to conceal sometimes, I physically shiver while I'm trying to iterate my sentiments.

In my mind, if I can say something really raw and hard while keeping a straight face, I've succeeded in "being normal." Really my deepest, inner-most being wants to weep. My husband gets to see that part of me, and its scary, but it's real. I ugly cry with the best of them. Hashtag noshame. But really...shame.

If I was real. If I was authentic. If I used my true voice and let more people see that I'm so far from normal, it would repel some of you, but it would free me.

My heart just started beating in a particular way that says softly I'm here. I'm within this. Keep going. xoxo God, so I know I'm doing something right. That sort of thing happens to me when I'm about to drop a bomb or make a change or radically do me. Do God. Show you all what He's made me out of.

Today I was spurred to "find my desire" and dammit, that's what I'm going to do. Most of my desire is just to be real for once. 

I've been told by my closest people that I 'tell it like it is' but if I'm doing that while being dry and sarcastic, that's not always my true identity.

Sometimes when I nonchalantly talk about how much my 1st church hurt me, I say "Those crazy people who need permission to clap" but what I really mean is "I am so broken for the years I lost to legalism. My soul hurts. I am crushed still to this day. I never got over it even though God has broken my heart so many times to MOVE ON. I just can't because a fragile, vulnerable little girl was turned into this hardened heart with just a few human words from a few misguided legalists." But that's too much to say, right? It's easier to just joke about the pain in order to lessen it.

Sometimes when I refer to myself as "teen mom status" or "knocked up" I'm trying desperately to let you know that I acknowledge my flaws. I also want you to acknowledge how far I've come and how much I had to sacrifice because of my own actions. I'm mature because I innately am and because I have to be in order to give a tiny human (THE tiny human) a fulfilling life.

So, you see, my desire is to find my voice again. I didn't start this blog to share freaking laundry detergent recipes and write chipper Mommy-blog crap. I started this blog to share my radical faith.

I love Jesus. God is my Daddy in the best way ever. The Holy Spirit dwells in me.

So many other things define me, but these 3 are just too good to put anything else alongside.

So, Therapist Matt, if you found my blog even though I told you not to. This is for you. My desire is to write with my own voice. My desire is to inspire others to feel raw sometimes. My desire is to teach my kids that whether or not they inherit our lovely  shitty family trait of anxiety...they never have to hide. Thanks for getting me here. We have a lot to talk about next week.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Baby Number Two Is Due!

As you can see from everything obvious above, WE ARE PREGNANT! AGAIN! 
I'm seriously in awe of this little jelly bean. So tiny, but already so mighty!

Finding out you are pregnant when you aren't really expecting it can be so funny. Our plan was a baby in 2015, but we didn't expect it to happen right away. We had just been at our friends' house with a group of our nearest and dearest on Wednesday night, December 17, 2014  (our son's 2nd birthday) and were on the conversation of how much life could be changing for some of us over the next year. I casually said, "One of us could have a new baby!"

The next day I peed on 2 sticks and they were positive within 10 seconds. Ha.

The next few weeks were super difficult for us as morning sickness set in HARD, Roman and I both got the flu, we missed our family Christmas, took a very difficult flight to Florida and back to be with Dillon's side of the family, and I laid in bed most of the vacation trying to stay alive.

My morning sickness with this baby has been very different than it was with Roman. I remember being in college, finishing things up actually, and feeling a little queasy off and on starting at week 6. By week 8 when I attended my first OBGYN appointment, I still wasn't feeling too bad. Steer clear of exotic, fried, or garbage can smells and I was fine. Eat plenty of fruit and bland staples and I was fine. Sure, my appetite wasn't great, but I was thriving.

This time around, I was gagging while smelling nothing at all. Saltine crackers made me feel sick. Restaurants were unbearable. I felt dizzy nearly every time I stood. I had absolutely 0 appetite and lost 5 pounds in 1 week.

My heart aches for those of you who have HG or any other severe vomiting with morning sickness. Thankfully I never vomit when pregnant, but this time around my nausea was crippling and my body was so weak. Seriously, if you suffer from bad sickness, tell me and I will be your number 1 prayer warrior.

When I did start to feel like eating again, I wanted sweets! Candy all the time! Gummy bears? Sour candy? Peach rings? Strawberry icecream? Lemonade? I'll take it all. Sounds like a little girl, maybe?

On Monday, we had our 1st ultrasound. I'm using the same doctor I had with Roman and she is wonderful - I'll give you her name if you are local and need a provider. I was scared of a few things. as I lay in the stirrups...waiting! Every mom is scared they won't hear the heartbeat that first time. What if the flu harmed the baby? On a different note - What if its twins? She performed a vaginal ultrasound and found ONE baby with a very loud 182 beat per minute heart rate. Praise God! From baby's size, we could have been 8 weeks 4 days, but according to our calculations we are in fact 8 weeks 6 days. For a baby this age, it is totally normal to give or take a few days. I'm also very proud to say that I gave blood like a CHAMP! When I was in high school my dad used to hold me down while I cried for a simple shot. Getting blood drawn was like medieval torture. This time I didn't tense up or feel faint and seriously would not describe it as a negative experience at all.

Today we debuted our news on Facebook and received such an outpouring of support from those we love. It's been a blessing to see so many comments "Congratulations", "Can't wait to meet him/her!", and "Roman will be a great big brother!" Speaking of big brother - he's 2, remember? We told him, "Hey, you're going to be a big brother!" and he said, "Uh uh. No brother." HA! Of course he totally doesn't understand, but let's all pray that he LOVES his new sibby with all of his tiny heart. 

At this point, I feel a little yucky in the morning but once I eat I am fine! By about 6:30 I start feeling my absolute worst. It's so much better once I eat dinner (even if I've been snacking like I'm supposed to), but this means I am NEVER cooking dinner. Dillon picks up a lot of food on his way home or we throw frozen stuff in the oven to bake.

This is our new norm. I'm loading up on all kinds of vitamins, trying to drink lots of water, and resting plenty.

You can help us out immensely by praying for us and the baby. We got a very healthy ultrasound on Monday and we want it to stay that way - uneventful is perfect!

Aaaaand if anyone wants to come fold my laundry...I will not protest!

Over the next 7 months, I will be updating you on our milestones and will be giving an in-depth report on my labor, deliver, and postpartum. Pregnancy and birth are one of my special hobby topics that I just can't get enough of, so believe me, I'm relishing in being the first-hand mama this time!

Thank you all so much for the support and prayers! Our hearts are full.