Tuesday, January 20, 2015

My Desire Is...?

Today, I went to therapy.

I go every week actually and in a few months, I've gone from shaking in anxiety and pent up feelings with every painful word to actually sitting still for a conversation.

This is major for me because I have always had to "act normal" in order to function with the rest of you. The abnormal is so hard for me to conceal sometimes, I physically shiver while I'm trying to iterate my sentiments.

In my mind, if I can say something really raw and hard while keeping a straight face, I've succeeded in "being normal." Really my deepest, inner-most being wants to weep. My husband gets to see that part of me, and its scary, but it's real. I ugly cry with the best of them. Hashtag noshame. But really...shame.

If I was real. If I was authentic. If I used my true voice and let more people see that I'm so far from normal, it would repel some of you, but it would free me.

My heart just started beating in a particular way that says softly I'm here. I'm within this. Keep going. xoxo God, so I know I'm doing something right. That sort of thing happens to me when I'm about to drop a bomb or make a change or radically do me. Do God. Show you all what He's made me out of.

Today I was spurred to "find my desire" and dammit, that's what I'm going to do. Most of my desire is just to be real for once. 

I've been told by my closest people that I 'tell it like it is' but if I'm doing that while being dry and sarcastic, that's not always my true identity.

Sometimes when I nonchalantly talk about how much my 1st church hurt me, I say "Those crazy people who need permission to clap" but what I really mean is "I am so broken for the years I lost to legalism. My soul hurts. I am crushed still to this day. I never got over it even though God has broken my heart so many times to MOVE ON. I just can't because a fragile, vulnerable little girl was turned into this hardened heart with just a few human words from a few misguided legalists." But that's too much to say, right? It's easier to just joke about the pain in order to lessen it.

Sometimes when I refer to myself as "teen mom status" or "knocked up" I'm trying desperately to let you know that I acknowledge my flaws. I also want you to acknowledge how far I've come and how much I had to sacrifice because of my own actions. I'm mature because I innately am and because I have to be in order to give a tiny human (THE tiny human) a fulfilling life.

So, you see, my desire is to find my voice again. I didn't start this blog to share freaking laundry detergent recipes and write chipper Mommy-blog crap. I started this blog to share my radical faith.

I love Jesus. God is my Daddy in the best way ever. The Holy Spirit dwells in me.

So many other things define me, but these 3 are just too good to put anything else alongside.

So, Therapist Matt, if you found my blog even though I told you not to. This is for you. My desire is to write with my own voice. My desire is to inspire others to feel raw sometimes. My desire is to teach my kids that whether or not they inherit our lovely  shitty family trait of anxiety...they never have to hide. Thanks for getting me here. We have a lot to talk about next week.

1 comment:

  1. thank you so much for this post! I too deal with anxiety (and its close friend depression). for years I have struggled with what "being real" means and how no one knows me that way. you are one brave lady! thank you for "putting it out there" and I hope that I can join you in this journey! Also, I am part of the For the Love launch team - so that's pretty cool too :).